Power

In my mid thirties, I have finally understood what power is, and what I can do with it!

I’ve always been an assertive go-getter; had the good fortune to achieve a lot of material things in my life that boosted my self-esteem and have also attained the wisdom to be grateful for it. However, until recently, I was only concerned about my reflection that I could see in others’ eyes; it had nothing to do with what I really wanted. I pretended to be ambitious because I wanted to stand amongst successful people. I pretended to be friendly because I wanted to portray a good social image. I pretended to so many other things so that I could be valued, accepted, revered! And then I pretended to be powerful!

Do you think, any of this really defined my success? I did not have any freedom as long as I was pretending to do something that I wasn’t or wasn’t interested in. Of course it elevated my self-esteem, but then I sometimes think it was an ego trip. It is too difficult to decide actually, because ego is what keeps you evolving. You are dead without your ego. Ego is always there. But then, you can always stop feeding your ego!

It so happened, that I began contemplating and realized that I was not happy. Not happy with anything that I had in my life. Yes, I was grateful, for not being in a worse condition, which did not trap me in a depressive state. But still I was not happy and it made me miserable. I could foresee a long stretch of ennui spread before me, which told me achieving more and more is not going to be enough! I had to do something to bring the ‘real delight’ back.

The ‘eureka’ moment was long in coming. It took me more than a decade to struggle, defeat the recurring doubts and come to terms with myself. And this coming to terms with myself, is what I call my power. It took me a lot of solitary, soul-searching moments, and sometimes depression bordering on madness, till I realized what really mattered.

I decided to be honest. And at once, my inner being became completely aligned with my outer being. This I believe is power: Accepting yourself as you are.

Now, I do not worry what kind of an impression I make, where I stand in this crazy world, what I have achieved; there is no more obsessing about the things I have lost or want to attain. I feel free about expressing myself, not over-thinking if it sounds crazy or stupid. I speak honestly about the things that I really enjoy, even if it is as simple as building shapeless sand castles on the beach. I’m more delighted about my creative abilities, not worrying about chiseling it to perfection. I’m equally accepting of my inherent limitations, without feeling miserable about it.

But it is not a helpless resignation to the fact.

It is a complete acceptance of my capabilities—things which I can do and things that I cannot. You can say I’m completely true to myself without feeling the need to prove my worth or hide my imperfections.

This true or honest acceptance of your self is ‘power’ and the only thing you should use it for, is to enlighten others and help them appraise themselves honestly.

(Note: Take a journey within or without..)

Fallen

Every time I write a blog post I go away with a feeling that I have nothing more to say about life. But then there is this vast life spread out before us teaching us every moment every millisecond; and then I smile at my foolishness and feel pleasantly flattered as well because that is how I get a new blog post!

Well, today I’m here to reveal another of my recent discoveries…the first thought went unedited directly on my Facebook page, ‘Serendipity is a lie.’

Actually, this is not the first thought that came to my mind. I was thinking how often I’ve cursed myself over and over again about not being able to achieve something that I was led to believe that I really desired. How often I’ve been unhappy thinking that I didn’t try too hard to achieve what I really wanted; that maybe I was dumb or maybe I was lazy.

But tonight as soon as the thought entered my mind, my eyes also fell at the same time on the tender innocent face of my child. And as my emotions battled with my senses, my heart grew calm. My eyes were beholding the most beautiful sight at that moment…how could that make me unhappy? How could I curse myself for not having something else? Because whatever I chose so far has brought me to this beautiful serene moment in my life. If I’d chosen something else, would i have been more grateful and hopeful than what I was feeling at this moment?
My inability to see the beauty in front of me till that moment was the result of my clouded senses.

As I dwelt upon this thought, I realized that our senses which are constantly bombarded with falsity that surrounds us, are gradually and completely taking us away from our deepest desires, our happiness. Our inability to process large amount of sensory data, hangs up our system, makes us believe we are insufficient and forever pushes us into darkness.

And how does serendipity relate here? Why is serendipity a lie?

That is because like the fallen angels, we are lost…We await a serendipitous event to make us aware of the Beauty of life… And depending on the type of data you deal with, your true nature is forever lost to you. You are unable to see anything beyond the veneer of forced reality. And then maybe serendipity may not be a serendipity at all..’

Beauty and fortune never forsake us; we try to find them in the wrong places…